Saturday, March 29, 2014

Figuring it All Out

     I talk to people a lot. I just like to talk, I guess. I'm either always texting, chatting or typing. The other day I was talking to one of my friends and she told me that she thinks I seem different. No, I haven't changed my hair color or anything drastic like that, but I have been feeling a little different for the past month or so. It is a good different, don't worry.

     One of my favorite things about blogging/ being a camp counselor is that I get to talk to people about my past experiences. There are so many things that I wish I could tell people based on the things that I have experienced and the lessons I have learned along the way. I remember a time when I was at camp with my girls from and older cabin and I was speaking to one of the mothers. She said that school that past year had been tough for her daughter and that she just wanted to say to her "relax about your grades!" Sending her to summer camp was a way for her daughter to just forget about everything that went on during school and to just be a kid without being stressed out. The girl was the type that would always strive for excellence and anything less would tear her to pieces. When the mother said that I was instantly brought back to my first year of college (last year) when I got back an exam with 30% written on the top of it.

     THIRTY. Thirty percent. AKA an F. A big one. As far as I was concerned, the world was literally going to stop its revolution around the sun and I was going to be the only person on Earth that experienced this phenomena. In fact, my emotions, fears and insecurities knocked me down so many levels that it was hard to climb back up to the top. That first semester was so rough for me because of that one grade and class. (Side note: I studied a lot for this exam. At the time I did not know that macroeconomics was clearly not my thing.)

     Looking back at that thirty percent I now realize that it was not an end, but a beginning. Through billions of little things that would follow, I am here now. I started talking to people just because I loved hearing stories and I started writing down my life experiences just so that one day I would be able to remember them. Never in a million years did I think that one day I would be writing my own personal blog in which thousands (yes, the heck did that happen?!) of people have read. Never in a billion and one years did I think that I would be at this point today. I thank SMC for that opportunity. I have been able to explore worlds in which I never knew existed and have had the opportunity to talk to so many amazing people.

    Getting the opportunity to live an amazing life, meet great people from all over the world and have the ability to learn things that interest me....all because I got a thirty on that exam. (Don't worry, I am now beyond happy with the path in life that I have chosen.)

     In two years (eeek) I will be able to graduate SMC with amazing life experiences under my belt. I have big aspirations of one day being able to make a difference. I want to do something that will change people's lives. I want to be happy and successful. 

     Looking at it, it is not the "end goal" that has created the difference that both myself and others have noticed within me. It is just that I have changed the way that I view things in order to make myself as happy as possible. I have decided that it is not the final destination that I am looking forward to, but rather the long back roads, highways and interstates that get me to that place.

    Throughout the past months I have felt like I have just exhaled and let go of everything that was holding me back. I have released so many things that were eating me from the inside out. I let go of my fears. I let go of some people. I let go of insecurities and security blankets. Deciding to let go and to feel the release of energy that I have wasted on negativity feels truly amazing.

     Things that have helped me through have been the community at SMC (everyone is truly amazing), the classes that I have so much passion for, figuring out a schedule that I can handle, rugby to release all my stress and finally, reminding myself that even if things don't go the way that I have them all planned in my head, that things will ultimately fall into place and the horrible things will actually be the start of an incredible journey.

     I owe it to SMC for making me feel like a new person. Being a part of such an amazing community has opened so many doors for me, both inside my life and out. One thing that I always mention when I give tours is how much of a community we really are. And honestly, it is so true. We are able to pick people up when they are down and brighten up someone's day even if we don't know them. Thanks SMC, for everything. 
     I do feel different. In a billion and one ways. I honestly think that this is the first time in my life that I have not freaked out about what the future has in store for me. A couple of months ago, I would have let the fear of the unknown hold me back. Now it is just making me work that much harder to drive me in the right direction.


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