Living

     It is summer vacation and if you have read my previous blog post (which you should have, but in case you missed it, you can find it HERE) you would know that I have been doing a whole lotta nothing for the past couple of weeks. Today I woke up in my bed and looked down on my floor and realized that I couldn't even see the floor because of all the stuff located there. The difference between today and literally the countless other times I have done that was that today I felt really REALLY angry about it. Passionate anger. I literally sat in my bed and whined, as all normal adults do (note sarcasm). But I soon realized that as an adult* (*I assume being 20 years old makes me an adult, right?) we have to do this stuff all the time.

     As I have realized in the past couple of weeks, I don't want my life to be a monotonous mix of getting up in the morning, brushing my teeth, plopping on the couch, watching reruns of Total Divas (my new obsession), eating some food and then repeating. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

     We often queue up our Netflix, DVR, or YouTube all while neglecting to queue up our own lives; the things that matter and that we will actually remember. The process is simple. JUST KIDDING. Its totally not, but don't worry, you can do it, I promise. I guess I cannot give you a solid answer because I am still in the process of defining what it actually feels to BE alive. Not just like the breathing and heart beating stuff, but actually being alive, like I am alive in my own body, ya know, just chillin' on this Earth. I make everything harder than it needs to be. I buy into the crappy infomercials on TV. I get sucked into basically any sale item at Target even if I don't need it. I make things complicated just to add a little excitement to my life. I care way too much about what people think about me.

     Basically, I care too much about getting my life together. If there is anything more overrated than having your life together, then I don't know what is. I care more about my future plans than my plans right now in the moment and care more about how I look in a selfie than having a life that is worth photographing and saving in a picture album to be passed down in years to come.

     I mean, I could just totally forgo all life and live totally off the grid...... HAHAHAHA. No. Not happening. The part that I am struggling with is how to be a "free" human being and live my life freely while also feeling the need to be a functioning member of society.

     How do live the crap out of your life? How do you even know what it feels like to be alive?
    After I sat in my bed whining for quite a while I did what every normal adult would do. I blasted some Iggy Azalea and cleaned my room while I totally ugly danced all over my room while singing into a hair brush. So adult of me, I know. I want there to possibilities and opportunities in my life. I want to create a life that I can be proud of in the future. I am unsure of the type of memories I want or the kind of life I want to create (all I know is that if it includes Channing Tatum, I'm totally game.) All I know is that as I flailed awkwardly around my room I felt alive. Like really alive. And I plan to take advantage of that moment, one ugly dance at a time.

Love,
Susanna

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